i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
