nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Floor bacon is actually really good
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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