i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
