Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
