Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
