My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My life is pants optional.
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