Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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