and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Even my vagina gasped.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
we're so committed to being not committed
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
