just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
