well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
