WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
