my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
