walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
