I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
