when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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