According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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