Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
