Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
