You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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