Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
