how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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