I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
