so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
