Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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