So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
