you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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