Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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