you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
