This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
