He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
