i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
