Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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