Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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