Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
