You smell like a Billy Joel song
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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