After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
