i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
