oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
