I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
