can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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