i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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