Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
