If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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