Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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