i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
