I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
