My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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