mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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