Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I can't put those talents on a resume
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
