I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
