Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
