Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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